You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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