I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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