Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
