Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
