I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
