I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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