I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
