Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
