Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
