i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
