I hate your face
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
