I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
