Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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