is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
