how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
