I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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