Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
