I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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