A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
