do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
