Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
