90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
