This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
