I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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