my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
