Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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