Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
