I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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