I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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