Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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