never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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