Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
