There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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