question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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