So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
