That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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