just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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