I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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