oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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