Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
