He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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