ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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