Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
