I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
