I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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