I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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