is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
