I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
