Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
