they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
