I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
