I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
