I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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